How to be Virtuous

A Modern Day Guide

Jul 30, 2024

I’m what you might call a Moral Paragon. A Saint. A Messiah, if you will - so I’ve come to learn a great many things about how to live an ethical life. Unfortunately, the masses are lost, and unable to see what’s required to ascend to my level. As a result, I’ve decided to make a small guide on how to live a life of virtue in the modern world. Gone are the days of Marcus Aurelius, Jesus, or Gandhi. Ours is a new society, and with it comes a new mold of the perfect human being (you and me).

Share, Share, Share

Some people are under the impression that good deeds require sacrificing time, effort, or money. These people are antiquated and dull. You see, problems are not solved by trying to fix them, we need only raise awareness of them. We can do this by regularly updating our social media with pictures and videos of all the causes we’d like to help. A quick share is all it takes to raise awareness, which will cause others to raise more awareness, until the awareness is so raised you’ll look at it and think “My god, that’s a very high awareness”. The goal is to have everyone in the world aware of the problem. By that point, someone else probably would’ve done something, and the issue will be resolved. Now you can put your feet up and relax - we don’t know what we’d do without you.

Never Associate with the Enemy

When meeting anyone, you must first ascertain their own moral value. Don’t even ask their name. Before pleasantries, you need to interrogate them on all their beliefs - especially the political ones. If you find even one stance that’s incongruous with your own, you need to cast them aside, or perhaps make a loud “screee” sound until they leave. You see, everyone that disagrees with you is evil, and merely associating with them in any capacity is enough to pollute your own (perfect) morality. Having friends that sit on the other side of the spectrum means you agree with them, which makes you worse than Hitler when he doesn’t return the shopping cart. You need only associate with people who agree with you on everything. This will keep your soul pure, and avoid anyone thinking you think those different to you should be allowed to exist (which they shouldn’t).

Together We Are Strong

There are many people that are unable to live as perfectly as us. Of course, once one makes a mistake they are no longer deserving of compassion or respect, and must be dealt with. Unfortunately, it’s often tiring to learn ourselves the exact facts surrounding any misdemeanor, and it’s simply untenable to reserve judgement in the meantime. This can be solved by following a simple rule with a 100% success rate - when other people condemn someone, just join in. Joining mobs is a great way of saving time and energy. By outsourcing your thinking to the wider group, you can always come to the right conclusions, and with none of the personal effort! Additionally, you can totally nuke the life of anyone who’s ever done anything bad (which fortunately isn’t you, because you’ve always made perfect choices).

Always Keep a Record

I said earlier that awareness is all that’s important, and I stand by that. However, there’s an even better way of raising awareness than merely sharing Instagram stories. It requires more effort, but has greater rewards. Whenever you do something people like, you really must take as many photos as you can. Perhaps even write a blog post about it. There is a famous question - if a tree falls alone in the woods, with no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? Likewise, if you volunteer at a soup kitchen and don’t record a video, did it happen? The answer is no. The internet is the only reality, and if no one saw you with that ladle, what was the point? You might as well have poured that stew out onto the curb with those disgusting street people. By recording all your good deeds and sharing them, you also get the added benefit of a great many likes, which has been scientifically proven to be the only source of long lasting happiness. It’s a win win!

Following these rules may be difficult at first, but remember they are absolutely necessary for making the world a better place. If you abstain, your life will not be worth living, and you’ll probably catch some kind of venereal disease. Martin Luther King never did these, and now he’s dead! Best not to risk it.