A Travel Post

I am now a son of Japan.

It was a warm morning in Japan when I awoke from my slumber. I stood, and walked towards the window to repeat my daily affirmations. The monastery I was staying at overlooked foggy hills, decorated with pine trees. The souls of the forest spoke to me and said “We love you. You are meant to be here. We are the trees of the forest. OOOOooOOOOooooo”. They knew I was special, and I felt my chakras begin to open. I took a moment to write a haiku.

A leaf falls below,

Time has claimed another soul,

Something something five.

As a thank you to my hosts, I etched it into the wall with a pair of tweezers. When they saw the gift, they all yelled at me, presumably pleading for me to do another. Art, however, cannot be rushed.

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I took this photo. The one you can find on Google Images is a fake.

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Now, it was time to step outside and do my yoga positions. Downward Facing Dog, Tree Pose, and a handstand on one finger. A young village boy came to me and begged me to teach him. At first I was reluctant, but in Japan there is a saying - “Mura no shōnen ga yoga o oshiete hoshī to kongan shitara, anata wa kare ni oshienakereba narimasen. Sushi, kimono, dai onryō no gēmushō” - which roughly translates to “If a young village boy pleads for you to teach him yoga, you must teach him. Sushi, Kimono, Loud gameshow”. I knew I had a duty to fulfil. Naturally, within an hour of our lesson beginning, his leprosy was cured.

I have been in Japan now for almost a week, and have been accepted by the locals wholeheartedly. Everywhere I go, people give me a wide berth as a sign of respect. It is a strange place. None of the signs are in English, so I’m still unsure how anyone can read them. They speak in a foreign tongue that is unidentifiable to the western mind. I am unsure of it’s name, perhaps Chinese.

As I’ve travelled across this ancient land, many experiences have enriched my soul. One day, I visited Himeji castle. I presume you haven’t read about it in books like I have, but you may know it as a filming location in The Last Samurai. There are many similarities between the movie and the real Japan. For example, I too was beaten up several times on my trip.

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The words “beautiful” and “iconic” spring to mind. I’ve always been photogenic.

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I am not a religious man, but am devoutly spiritual. I regularly come into contact with the great unknown when I pray. Once, while walking the streets of Tokyo, I stumbled across a shrine of great importance. I floated across the street, asianly, to pay my respects. I knelt before the statue before me, awed by it’s beauty. It depicted a behemoth. A God of Destruction that towered above. I sat and recited one of the mantras I had heard during my travels.

“Watashi no mise kara deteike, kimi wa nioi”

People were so impressed, that they took photos and laughed with great admiration. Before I left, I was able to capture his beauty.

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They called him “Gojira”. Awe inspriring.

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Despite the potential harm it could cause to my spiritual state, I travelled further into the city, and found myself at Shibuya Crossing. I watched as the people hustled and bustled about their trivial lives. As they were far away, they seemed quite small; especially when compared to myself, who was much closer and therefore bigger. It occurred to me that as I am always looking from my own eyes, I am always at the centre of my own universe. I was calmed by the new enlightenment, and promptly found a nearby toilet to shit in.

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Starbucks will suffice.

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Japan is a beautiful place, and I do not wish to go home. However, despite my many pleas with the local governments, they have insisted I leave at once. I believe they think I am too important to the West to abandon it, and I must reluctantly agree. It is a burden that I alone need to bear. On Saturday, I shall board my flight, and bring the many wisdoms I’ve accumulated on my trip. My only hope is that the small minds that await me are able to comprehend them. I imagine they won’t, but a man must try.